A letter to my 12 year old self, future swimmer
This is what you need to do, to thrive in the world of elite swimming and you don't have a choice so you better listen up NOW
Dear Sydney,
You’re probably wondering why I called you that name, you’re not known by it. It is because you’re a girl. Yup, that’s right. Those weird thoughts you have about wanting to switch with people who are girls are real, valid and they mean you’re transgender.
You don’t know what that means yet, but it does not matter. You need to tell your parents right away. You need to get them to believe you; you need to get them to take you to a psychiatrist who believes you; eventually, you need to get to a doctor who believes you and is willing to assess that you are a candidate for hormone blockers to prevent puberty from starting.
Yes, puberty that is what this is about. I know it is freaking you the fuck out that your body is going to be changing and you can’t wait for it to happen because maybe, just maybe, you’ll start fitting in and people won’t call you sensitive and you will stop crying at things. Being good at sports — albeit a little clumsy at them — is not good enough, you are not going to fit in. I’m sorry, that is just the way it is. You’re going to be a pretty fast runner and people will like you because you’re nice and self-effacing and largely harmless, but you’re not going to fit in and you’re going to live with a lifetime of doubt for yourself and its going to take you like 17 years from now to fully decide that you want to live life as your authentic self.
You don’t have much time though, especially because you are mildly above-average at sports. You see, if you don’t stop the puberty now, people will think that you’re being your authentic self in the future to do well in sports, instead of to not want to kill yourself. Sports are the only thing that help you stop being so spastic all the time, so it is important we preserve that, but also medically alter your body the right way so that people will let you keep doing sports at a high level. You’re going to be the fastest member of your High School cross country team one day. Never mind that you are like four-feet two-inches tall right now and weight 75 pounds when we, we need to STOP whatever changes you’re about to experience and get you on the right hormones today.
Oh, also you need to start swimming competitively. That is what this is all about.
I know you’ve needed to take extra lessons because you were irrationally afraid of deep water a few years back and changing in locker rooms has always felt INCREDIBLY WEIRD to you, but you need to start swimming fast. Very fast, even.
You see, in the future people like you will not be allowed to compete in sport events at a high level with people who’s gender is like you. Thats because doctors said you were a boy when you were born, but you have known in fact you are absolutely not a boy most of your life. Now, there will be paths for you to live as a woman and be recognized as one and that is incredible and the reason you are still alive when the person writing this letter is. There will be treatments for you to change your body so it can be as it always should have been and they will be safe, monitored and available to you because you are lucky.
But, if you don’t start swimming in girl’s races before you start puberty you won’t have the option of doing it in the future if you are a really good athlete. I know, at 12 you have these vague dreams of becoming an Olympian in the future, because how cool would that be? But, here is the stone cold truth: you have to work harder than you can even fathom right now for the next decade plus of your life if you’re going to do that. You need to be willing to sacrifice so much at such a young age to start treating sports as if it is your job. You are in sixth grade, but that does not matter. That’s how you’re going to be elite.
You won’t get to be elite though if you do not start the process of admitting you’re transgender, and going through hormone replacement therapy.
Now, I know this is a lot at the age of 12 because you probably haven’t heard of the word transgender. And you probably will feel VERY WEIRD just starting swimming with girls and wearing girls swimsuits and having that weird bump between your leg that isn’t really that developed and no other girls have. So, they’re going to likely be very unsupportive of you, but I promise it will get better. You have to keep swimming and swimming faster. Swimming will help you a lot in life because you love to go to the beach, you love to be in the water and you like not dying while doing those things.
I am happy to tell you that you will end up being more athletic than most of all the population at large. That is fun. It is good because it inspires yourself to keep pushing every day and encourage others around you to do sports because you like to make it fun and accessible and cheer them on. But that doesn’t matter if you do not start this transition journey totally unprepared while also working to become an elite swimmer. Just because it is 2003 does not mean that you can use that as an excuse to not be prepared for the world in 2022.
Sorry kid, thems the breaks.
You gotta upend your life and follow a narrow set of rules so that you maintain your eligibility. If you manage to defy the odds and somehow become even better at swimming than you were as an above average runner or rower — yes you do rowing in college there is no time to fucking explain because it does not matter if you’re going to be an elite swimmer, okay? This is the only way you’re going to be able to go all the way to the top and still get to live as yourself. People are going to accuse you of so many things and it’s going to hurt and you’re likely going to be insecure and depressed about a lot of the choices you make. But if you do not do this then you will have no shot at competing in high level FINA competitions beyond June 20, 2022. That’s what is at stakes here. Now, I’m not sure if there are any psychiatrists or doctors willing to see you as a patient for gender affirming care, but I’m just a disembodied voice coming from 20 years in the future. I trust you. Go forth.
Oh, also. If you don’t keep your natural testosterone below 2.5 nmol/L for the next 20 years, some of your accomplishments may be retroactively erased. Sorry!!!!!!
With love and strength,
Sydney Bauer
Recreational Runner