I am going to have to do this for so many living people I both know and do not know going forward and it will be a lot
Coming out is lots of fun until you realize you may now be stuck in the movie Groundhog Day but for your gender identity
Typing out the letter was a lot like typing out these newsletters.
First, the act is the same. It is after all just physically typing words, stringing them in sentences to create some poignancy and a narrative arc that keeps you engaged and enjoying the content that deals with some of my inner most turmoils.
Second, it is a process. There is a general idea formulated beforehand, but most of the content comes in the moment. There are paragraphs that get deleted and re-written over and over until they come out just right for the moment.
Third, a lot of complex feelings get elicited. A lot gets unpacked in this space, as there is just so much to unpack in life these days,
The difference though was that letter was one of the scariest things I’ve ever had to write and this newsletter is really just an extended writing exercise in an attempt to vocalize a lot of things and get more people to see my writing.
This letter was one to my parents saying I’m trans.
It went fine. I knew it would go fine, despite my brain tricking me into thinking it wouldn’t go fine. They’re wonderful people and will have a lot of questions and its going to be hard at first, but I am lucky, and I fully admit that. I want to really stress this, in this situation I am truly dealing with some minor speed bumps to start this process.
However, it just reminded me that I’m going to have to do this for a large number of people I’ve met in some capacity in my life and likely for every person that I meet going forward.
Coming out isn’t like announcing a new writing job on Twitter. Yes, there will be social media posts in the future where I make this public on my main writing accounts and on my Facebook. Yes, they will be slightly obnoxious and self-absorbed and probably used the phrase “PERSONAL NEWS” with some emojis, as is the style. Yes, the Facebook post will be reserved for everyone since 2006 (I've been on that godforsaken platform way too long) that I haven’t put the energy in unfriending (which is a lot) to find out my most personal, soul-bearing, identity-affirming, announcement.
Outside of that though, there will be a lot of conversations. And in each of these conversations I will have to assess how much of myself it is worth sharing. I am an extroverted person, and the thought of this process routinely gives me anxiety.
Being relatively new in the transition also means sometimes I fumble with introducing myself. I’ve hit the point where its comfortable saying I am “Sydney” to strangers, but sometimes I stumble even with friends who I am out to and casual acquaintances as well. It takes me a few seconds to respond to my own name sometimes, which only serves to ratchet up the anxiety in these moments.
Every future moment will be a judgement call, sometimes one thought out and sometimes one done in the moment, and that is okay. It is how it goes for everyone. Not everyone has earned a right to know all aspects of my life, and it would be nice to get to a point where I don’t have to contextualize my own life when introducing myself.
That is a long way down the road from where I am, so now is about planning. I’ve come out to my parents, check, now is dealing with the next steps and determining who else I have to let into this world that I am creating for myself.
This is common knowledge in queer spaces, and is talked about a lot. I’m not adding anything original, so why bring it up.
I’ve been thinking about this process a lot over the last day when an article by The Athletic came out asking what will it take for an NHL player to feel comfortable coming out.
As someone in the “coming out” process, I read this notion with sort of a chuckle. Statistically, there are likely multiple gay athletes scattered throughout American men’s pro sports. Likely they have told people around them who their are and spoken their truth. Michael Sam’s college teammates knew well in advance before he came out publicly before the NFL draft.
As a still practicing journalist it was intriguing reading this premise because it was clear that not one queer person besides the one interviewed (who is an advocate for out LGBTQIA athletes) was consulted in the premise. These editorial decisions have large impacts and only reinforce the idea that being public about aspects of your identity is for others not for yourself. Coming out is a judgement call, and its goalposts constantly shift. Its designed to be that way because of the structures we live in, and they aren’t going to change overnight.
I guess it is time to get back to planning the next steps on this road, then.