This Yom Kippur feels different from all the rest because I am not repenting for not being myself, but I am afraid the world doesn't want me to be myself
Sorry for the long title, but this feels appropriate
CW: This post will discuss the notion of suicide and death, as well as recent news events surrounding the Supreme Court
Today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement.
It is a solemn day, where you’re supposed to go back and repent for all of the bad things you did over the past year, in hopes that a high power will have mercy on you and write you name down in a book that will allow you to live for another year.
Let’s just say that this holiday pretty much traumatized me growing up going to hours upon hours of high holy day services at a Conserva-dox synagogue.
For someone as depressed as I was growing up, the thought of death terrified me. I’ve only hit the point of genuinely wanting to kill myself twice in my life (when I was 12 and when I was 19), and thankfully had support to come back from the brink both times.
Outside of this, no matter how uncomfortable I felt as myself, the thought of not making it back to another Yom Kippur service was enough to scare me.
The first service of Yom Kippur is called Kol Nidre and takes place at sundown to start the holiday. One of the first prayers said that night is the namesake, Kol Nidre, and it is a prayer we you ask God to release you from any vows and promises you made that year to God that you did not hold up. It is seen as a release from your misgivings to start the day of atonement allowing you to get a clean slate the following sunset.
This service was the first I went as my true self, so the Kol Nidre prayer had some extra significance. I had already released myself from the false promise of trying to live as a gender I never was, and I allowed myself to soak in the beautiful musical arrangement and for the second time release myself from those vows that held me back.
I am someone who habitually makes promises in the moment and rarely delivers all of them. It is something that I have tried to work on my entire life, but I still get lost in moments and let the impromptu high that is created from promising something take over me before realizing that I actually do have to deliver on my words. It has, rightfully, been a point of contention in my partnership, and something that I ask for forgiveness for constantly. I tend to joke that I over-promise and under-deliver better than anyone although as this paragraph continues to point out, that is very much rooted in reality.
There is a part of me that feels out of place writing this newsletter as a transgender woman lauding how much religion is helping me in a time of not really having much to say about my transition (which is fine, even if I am slightly disappointing all of you who subscribe to this), while a whole section of our government is trying to use religion to allow cisgender individuals the power to determine my employment at any time in the name of religious freedom.
Despite not wanting to originally, I spent the day yesterday scanning Twitter before and after services for the news about how oral arguments went for R.G. & G.R. HARRIS FUNERAL HOMES V EEOC & AIMEE STEPHENS the landmark Supreme Court Case, which would determine if Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 extended to gender identity. Aimee Stephens was fired from her job after coming out as transgender, and the ramifications of this case will affect both transgender and cisgender individuals. A decision from this case could easily rewrite employment rights in the United States and erode them for everybody.
Watching protests outside the Supreme Court made my heart swell, and made me feel slightly guilty that I could not be there. But the fact remains, I am not out at work. Only a handful of people know who I am, and it has been rewarding every single time I have gotten the chance to come out to those close to me. There will be setbacks, but I am still persevering.
Now, that run of freedom could be rolled back because an administration wants to give businesses more rights than individuals in the United States. I’ve talked about having to remind myself daily that I am Sydney at work despite everyone else calling me someone else’s name and expecting me to act like that someone else. I’ve started taking the steps to dress as myself underneath a shell of clothes that represent a past life. It has been affirming, and it is astonishing how quickly my work has stopped suffering as a result. I just only hope I get to show the world what I can do when I am fully presenting myself without the consequences so many of my brothers and sisters have faced. It is selfish, I admit, but I know that, and I also know that longing for this will mean so many others in the future won’t have to deal with the internal struggles that I have finally released myself from and am finally embracing.
We must fight for a stronger future together, and of course continue that fight no matter the result of this case. Trans individuals have existed throughout all history, and we are stronger than you can ever imagine us to be.
Aimee Stephens sat down for a wonderful interview with Katelyn Burns on the eve of the case for Vox, and I implore everyone to read it even as the focus has shifted to dissecting every word from the nine cisgender judges that will decide the fates of millions. Specifically this response from Stephens about her place in history:
Katelyn Burns
You’re not the first trans litigant to appear in front of the Supreme Court, but yours is the first case to deal with trans issues specifically. Having said that, I’m going to be in the courtroom tomorrow, I know that there’s going to be people in the gallery and I know there’s people on your legal team who are trans. Do you feel a sense of history in being the face of the first time these issues are heard in such a revered court in the country?
Aimee Stephens
I found it a little overwhelming when I realized that I could be in the history books, but somebody’s gotta do it, and I’d be happy and satisfied to be that person.
Throughout the Yom Kippur service we come to a point in the liturgy called the Vidui, or confession. In this area we literally spell out in prayer different sins we have committed throughout the year. We discuss stealing, lying, betraying, and other actions where we exert power over others for our own personal benefit.
Existing does not fall on this list, and I know it never will.